Tantrums are a normal part of toddler development as children learn to express their emotions and desires. However, they can be particularly challenging for foster carers who are still building a relationship with the child. Gentle parenting approaches can help foster carers manage tantrums while maintaining a nurturing environment.
Understanding the Causes of Tantrums
Tantrums often occur because toddlers have not yet developed the language and emotional regulation skills to communicate their needs and feelings appropriately. Common triggers for tantrums include fatigue, hunger, transitions, changes in routine, and frustration over desires not being met instantly.
When fostering a child in the UK, tantrums may also reflect their history of insecure attachments. Yelling, threats or punishments tend to exacerbate the tantrum, while empathy, consistency and clear boundaries can help diffuse tantrum behaviour over time.
Responding with Empathy and Emotional Coaching
Gentle parenting experts recommend responding to tantrums with empathy, emotional coaching and boundary setting, rather than punishment. The key is helping toddlers understand and manage their overwhelming emotions.
When a tantrum starts, take a deep breath and speak calmly. Say something like “I see you’re really upset right now. I’m going to stay with you and keep you safe.” Avoid conveying anger or disappointment in the child.
Validating the child’s feelings and labelling emotions can help diffuse some of the intensity. For example, “It’s frustrating when you can’t have something you want. You’re really mad right now!” This emotional coaching teaches them to understand and eventually self-regulate their emotions.
Providing Comfort and Setting Limits
If possible, pick up and hold the child to provide physical comfort during the tantrum. Let them know you care, despite the difficult behaviour. Being held by a loving caregiver can help calm a toddler down.
However, avoid unsafe expressions of anger like hitting, kicking or throwing items. Set a clear limit, such as “I won’t let you hit me. I’m moving your body to keep us safe.” Then follow through calmly.
Praise any momentary pauses in the tantrum. “You’re getting your body under control! Nice job taking some breaths with me.” Offer reassurance that you’ll stay close until they are calm.
After the Tantrum: Reconnect and Reflect
Once the child is calm, reconnect with a hug, cuddle or activity together. Toddlers often just need to discharge “big” feelings and then can reset. Avoid lecturing them about their behaviour after the fact.
Later, when everyone is settled, you can reflect on what led to the meltdown and consider ways to avoid triggers or better cope next time. Plan together: “I wonder what we could do differently next time you get so upset? What if we sing a song or get a hug?”
Consistency is Key for Foster Toddlers
Foster toddlers need the security of consistent routines and responses. Tantrums are less likely to escalate when children know what to expect.
Respond to tantrums with empathy, limits and reassurance every time. Make time for fun and connection during calmer moments too. Healing occurs through consistent nurturing relationships. Over time and with practice, tantrums usually become less frequent as language and self-regulation skills develop.
Humour: The Ultimate Tantrum Tonic
While tantrums can be challenging, maintaining a sense of humour and playfulness helps. Laughter relieves stress for both parent and child. When everyone is calm, make light of the dramatic tantrum reenactments some toddlers provide. Chuckle together about the silliness of their demands in the heat of the moment. Shared laughter strengthens your connection.